Getting More Intimacy and Attention From Your Partner

Have You and Your Partner Grown Distant?

As the years go by, you may feel like your spouse or partner no longer
feels that you are attractive or significant. In fact, you may feel like
just about everything and everybody else is far more appealing than you are
in your spouse's or partner's world. These other things can include work,
hobbies, friends, and coworkers, to name a few. If you are feeling a lack
of connection with your spouse or partner, there are things you can do to
catch their attention and make yourself more available.

What Can I Do?

Be Present - Be present in your relationship, always. Maybe the two of you
fell in love and everything felt perfect, leading you to believe that you
would remain together forever in perfect harmony. Keep in mind, not
everybody experiences an instant connection, and not everybody is lucky to
maintain an intense closeness as time passes. It takes effort and focus to
stay connected.

Make Eye Contact - You've probably heard that the eyes are the windows to
the soul. It is imperative to make and maintain eye contact with your
partner. When you look into your spouse's eyes from across a room, you're
actually being intimate. Eye contact is an important part of socializing
and is an integral part in creating any intimate relationship. Not only
does eye contact show you are interested and attentive to the conversation;
it also shows trust and understanding, as well as openness and emotional
connection.

Be Physical - Touching the one you love not only feels good; it also
increases the "love hormone" called oxytocin. This hormone is important to
any romantic relationship and is the reaction to being touched, not only by
having sex, but by holding hands, hugging, or touching feet. Be flirtatious
and touch their arm or knee when having a conversation.

Be Interested - Pay attention to your spouse by listening to what is being
said and by noticing body language. In order to do this, 100 percent, you
have to tune everything else out, and listen to what your spouse is saying.
Commit to listen actively when your spouse is talking. When you spouse
speaks, make eye contact and be silent while taking in everything that is
being said. When you do speak, be sure to be supportive and courteous,
which will show you are understanding the dialog, as well as interested in
the topic of conversation.

Be Emotionally Present - Share the intimate details of what is going on in
your daily life. Tell them why you were excited or let down by that
situation at work or with a friend; let them in on the little details of
your day. This will help build a more intimate connection. Being
emotionally present proves to your spouse or partner that they are valued,
appreciated, and special. Many times, these feelings will be returned to
you. Being vulnerable goes along with trusting that your spouse or partner
actually accepts the real you.

Love Unconditionally - Always accept your spouse or partner for who they
are, as they are. Never try to change something about them; even something
as minor as the way they wear their hair or the fact that they always wear
t-shirts when you'd rather they dressed up a bit more. Being able to accept
the small things is a good indicator that you will be able to accept the
larger things such as learning about your partner's dreams, goals, and
feelings without being judgmental or dismissive.

Laugh, A Lot - Laugh together; have a great time together. Reminisce about
funny moments in your life; watch TV shows or movies that crack you up.
Laughter is contagious. When you hear somebody laughing, it is natural for
you to want to laugh as well. People who laugh a lot have less stress in
their lives.

Schedule Together Time - Schedule time together each and every day, for at
least 10 to 15 minutes. This can be before dinner, over coffee after
dinner, first thing in the morning, or in the evening, just before bed.
Focus on each other without interruption. Also, schedule time away
together, without the kids. Have a date night at least once per month, and
a date weekend (overnight) at least twice per year.

If you have made an effort to be more available to your spouse or partner
and things are still not improving, you will need to have a heart-to-heart
talk. However, it is important you know what you want before you start
ranting and raving about issues in your marriage or relationship. It's
important that you know the difference between your wants and your needs.

If talking it out doesn't improve your situation, you and your spouse or
partner may want to consider speaking with one of our trained