Five Steps to Romance

With so many self-improvement books out there I am amazed at just how inept people are at the dating game. Being straight, I only speak for the heterosexual population of course. On current evidence, we heterosexuals are really, really bad at opening up and sharing. At any rate, we European heterosexuals are no good when it comes to sharing emotions. Of late, I've simplified my life no end. In the last few years I stumbled upon a five step process to dating so simple and obvious it's a wonder more people haven't tripped over it. I write from the male perspective but this is equally applicable to women. One prerequisite before starting is to leave your fear and ego at home.

THE FIVE STEP PROCESS:

    Find out a little bit about the person you're interested in. If you have absolutely no shared interests, leave fear and ego out of the equation and proceed no further. If on the other hand you have at least some shared interests, proceed to step two.

    Get over your shyness and look for opportunities to engage her in conversation. If she bores you to tears or everything she says makes your blood boil, leave fear and ego out of the equation and proceed no further. If you enjoy talking to her at least some of the time, proceed to step three.

    Invite her out for some social activity. If you make the setting of this tentative date too neutral you're sending out the wrong signal and making more work for yourself further down the line. This is no time to accommodate fear of rejection. If she tells you her diary is completely full, leave fear and ego out of the equation and accept her explanations graciously. Smile knowingly and let her know she can call you when (not if) her plans change. She may well call, but your job is done so proceed no further. If she immediately agrees to a date, proceed to step four.

    Talk during the date but more importantly, listen. Listen to her. Listen to her. Listen to her. Listen not just to what she says but how she says it. Listen to her body language, her opinions. Don't agree with everything she says just to be agreeable. Observing how she deals with perceived criticism and disagreement is part of the listening process. If you start hearing alarm bells, leave fear and ego out of the equation and proceed no further. However physically attractive she is, remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea. If you end the evening with a sense of wanting to see her again, proceed to step five.

    To make an omelette, at some point you have to break eggs. In order to date, you have to date, so date her, date her and date her again. Finally remember that nobody, least of all you, is perfect. Leave fear and ego at home when appraising how well you match as a couple.

Now provided you heeded the initial advice to leave fear and ego at home you should have boosted your odds of ending up in a meaningful relationship. Unfortunately many will date women who are wrong for them and who they are wrong for from fear of scarcity. And yet the world is full of charming, beautiful, intelligent women. There are also ego-drunk men who won't take no for an answer for fear of dented pride. Once you get accustomed to leaving fear and ego out of the equation, even if a woman you approach with the utmost care and consideration tells you to drop dead, you will breathe and let it pass. A mature appraisal of the situation should tell you that when you continue to pursue a woman who brazenly disrespects you as a fellow human you are sending out a signal that it's okay for her to behave that way. Rather you ought to politely explain that to your knowledge, showing interest in a woman is not listed as a crime in the penal code. Explain that when uninterested in a man, the courteous thing for her to do is tell him so politely in the first instance and only become rude if the unwanted attention continues. Then with a smile, depart.

If in spite of her rudeness, through your persistence the two of you end up together, all I can do is to offer you my condolences for the addictive, co-dependent relationship you've constructed for yourself. The way you start a relationship sets the tone for the duration of that relationship therefore the shortcuts you take at the inception will come back to haunt you. Better to put in the hard work at the beginning and start as you mean to go on.

Remember, show some gumption and a woman who initially dismissed you might well become your greatest fan. So long as she isn't one of those women in search of the brittle stereotype of the tough guy, your prayers might well have been answered. If however she turns out to be the girl from the movie Grease who is looking for the all-form-and-no-content, leather-clad biker, leave fear and ego at home and proceed no further.

Mogbolahan Koya-Oyagbola is the author of the short story, "Seafood Pasta" which appears in the anthology - Weaverbird Collection: New Fiction from Nigeria 2008.